WWE: Dan's WrestleMania 31 Review

Where to begin with the latest show on “The Grandest Stage Of Them All”? I guess let’s start with the pre-show.

Fatal Four Way Tag Team Match

First match was the four way tag team titles match. Let’s be honest here, these matches are just there for the spots. It was a nice opener to get the crowd buzzing for the rest of the card, but the rightful winners prevailed.

WINNERS – Cesaro & Tyson Kidd

The Second Annual Andre The Giant Memorial Battle Royal

So last year it was a big deal – Cesaro won, he was teamed with Paul Heyman – everything was looking sunny for the Swiss Superman. As the weeks and months rolled by, everyone was waiting for his push, but it never came.

So now, with a match that was supposed to be booked for the main card but ended up being pushed down to the pre-show, we would all be remiss to say that this match actually means anything any more; even more so with how this one ended.

Axelmania is dead. Bo Dallas didn’t bolieve. Mizdow didn’t win.

When you reach a final two of Mizdow and Big Show, we all know what the score is. He’s not strong enough to be a Cesaro and lift him over, and he isn’t The Rock circa the 2000 Royal Rumble.

Oh well, at least we saw Mizdow eliminate Miz. It should have happened ages ago, and there should have been a separate match for it, but I’ll allow this.

WINNER – Big Show

Midcard In The Bank Intercontinental Title Ladder Match

To open the full Pay Per View, this was a great starter.

In reality, guys like Bryan, Ambrose and Ziggler should have never been anywhere near this, they should have had their own feuds going on, but they worked well in this. We knew it was going to be one of the trio who prevailed and they pulled it off.

As you would expect with a ladder match with seven people in, there were some great spots – including a Luke Harper powerbomb that resulted in Ambrose going through the ladder. Well he took it better than Sin Cara did a few years ago, but it still took him out of the match.

I only have one piece of advice for Dolph – Don’t get into a headbutt fight with a goat. You will lose.

Oh, and also, YES! YES! YES!

Despite the immense drop in stature from last year, Daniel Bryan managed to pull off the win most people were expecting of him.

WINNER AND NEW INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION – Daniel Bryan

Randy Orton vs. Seth Rollins

One of the better storyline that has been running over the past few months. Rollins destroys Orton, Orton returns, bides his time and then destroys Rollins. It’s been the Randy that has been missed for the past few months.

Who would win this match though? Rollins is the more technically proficient of the two, whereas Randy is the veteran who has done it all and has one of the worst mean streaks in the business.

This was always going to be a good to great match and it lived up to the hype. Great back and forth action saw it go to the wire, and it was anybody’s to win, until THAT RKO!!

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Like, I have never seen a better one in all my days. Remember when he pulled the first one where someone jumped off the ropes – that’s old news now my friends.

Even Brock himself wouldn’t have got up from that one. I mean, he wouldn’t have gone for a curb stomp but you get my point.

WINNER – Randy Orton (and everyone who saw that RKO)

Triple H vs. Sting

This match. You know how Triple H always comes out in barbarian gear at WrestleMania? Well thanks to WWE’s kind sponsors Terminator Genisys, he came out in something that looked like his child made for a school project. You know the ones where you get a bunch of crap and paper mache and paint them? Yeah. Combine that with a cheesy package about him being the Terminator and locking the Stinger as his target and we have a WrestleMania moment to forget.

Also, this match was written by Max Landis, director of “Wrestling Isn’t Wrestling”. If you haven’t seen it, watch it before I describe this match:

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If you have already seen both WrestleMania and Wrestling Isn’t Wrestling, then you know of what I speak.

This match had everything – from “I have a sledgehammer, please like me!” to a DX run in, to “Shawn Michaels, you’re my beeeeeeest friend”

Also this was a no-DQ match, so there was interference, a baseball bat, a sledgehammer, a super kick, and a 61 year old Hollywood Hulk Hogan. That last one just requires a DQ in itself.

In the end, this match had a combined 460 years worth of man inside the squared circle. Guys, I think it’s time to retire. You’re awesome but just kick back, yeah?

That won’t happen though, because there’s a PPV in June that likes to do six man tag stuff.

DX vs. NWO at Payback, book it now. I can just see X-Pac pulling off what Rollins did last year… and breaking all the bones in his body.

WINNER – Triple H (and all 90s wrestling fans)

AJ Lee & Paige (Freaks and Geeks/The Weirdos/The Oddballs) vs. The Bella Twins

Probably the best outing the Divas have had in years at WrestleMania thanks to the #GiveDivasAChance movement.

Lots of back and forth action in this one, with AJ repeatedly getting thrown off the apron by one of the Bellas so Paige can’t make a tag. It looked like it was going to be comprehensive for Nikki and Brie until Paige kicked out of the rack attack. Once that didn’t go the Bella’s way, they seemed to capitulate.

In the end, AJ got the tag and after an exchange with the current Divas champion, locked in the Black Widow to secure the win.

That being said, there’s still a Divas title on the shoulder of one Nikki Bella. Who will end up going for it? Paige, AJ, or somebody new entirely?

WINNERS – AJ Lee & Paige

John Cena vs. Rusev

Forget the match. Just remove it from your mind for the moment. Let’s talk about that entrance!

Russian national anthem, soldiers goose-stepping to the ring, and a TANK! Rusev rode in on a tank, waving the Russian flag. This was everything that the WWE Universe should have wanted.

Then came the match. Rusev dominates, Rusev dominates, Rusev locks in the accolade, Cena gets out of it, Lana gets onto the apron, Rusev knocks her off, Cena gives Rusev the AA to snap his undefeated streak.

I’m sorry, not sure if I’m seeing Rusev or Vladimir Kozlov any more.

WINNER AND NEW UNITED STATES CHAMPION – Cena wins lol.

Then came the moment where the MILLIONS of fans around the world had been waiting for. After listening to Triple H yammer on like this was an episode of Monday Night RAW, The Rock came out to shut him up in what will seemingly be the start of a feud that happened over a decade ago. Seriously Trips, you’ve got a nice cushy desk job and the fans love you because of NXT, you can retire at any point you know?

Either way, after a bit of verbal tennis, Steph got physical with the man who is here to promote his movie and ordered him to leave her ring. He did so as he cannot hit a woman.

But wait… Isn’t that Ronda Rousey — Rock’s co-star from Furious 7 — in the crowd? Why yes it is!

Oh okay, there’s a mixed tag team vibe going on here (As long as it’s not a six person interspecies match, I’ll live). Rocky beats up The Game and then feeds him to Rousey, who in about five seconds seemingly did more damage to The King Of Kings than Sting did in their entire match with her judo throw.

Either way, a nice bit of filler, a nice way to promote a movie and a nice way to set up WrestleMania 32.

Undertaker vs. Bray Wyatt

This is why we can’t have nice things WWE – you have both Bray and Taker do their entrances with a clear blue sky in the background. It didn’t work.

This match goes one of two ways right? Either Taker wins to come back and reclaim his yard, or Bray wins and takes The Undertaker’s soul and becomes the new face of fear.

With maybe one more match in him after this WrestleMania and no real prospect of fighting Sting next year after he jobbed to the guy who lost to Taker three times, it seems like it might be time to put over somebody new.

For the start of this match, it looked like Bray was fighting his dad, and his dad was having none of this nonsense and beating seven shades of s*** out of him. Then came the resurgence, Bray took over; could this be the end of The Undertaker?

Despite showing that he can hang with the best, Bray Wyatt showed that The Undertaker is still the old face of fear when he sat up like he always does.

Despite being able to hit the sister abigail, two tombstone piledrivers were enough to put away the former leader of the Wyatt Family.

Wyatt goes 0-2 at Mania, Taker is 22-1.

WINNER – The Undertaker

Brock Lesnar vs. Roman Reigns

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So, Brock Lesnar officially re-named Santa Clara as Suplex City, bitch.

The actual match was brutal. Both men were swinging for the fences at the beginning which caused Brock to get cut open on his cheek. Roman, despite being on the end of a beating, is looking strong.

After taking Roman to suplex city, Roman catches Brock with another shot which cuts him above his lip. Real strong Roman, keep it up.

After something like eleven or twelve suplexes and three F-5s, Roman manages to catch Brock and throw him into the ring post, busting him fully open. Roman is about to enter his final form guys.

(Just imagine the following in JBL’s voice)

SUPERMAN PUNCH! Brock is staggered.

SUPERMAN PUNCH! Brock falls to one knee.

SUPERMAN PUNCH! Brock is down! Roman has tamed the beast! Roman is looking the strongest he has ever looked.

SPEAR!

AND ANOTHER! Roman goes for the pin.

One… Two… and Brock kicks out.