It’s that lovely day of the year where women long for a grand romantic gesture and men rush out to get a bunch of flowers from Asda.
That’s right- it’s Valentine’s Day! When I got given this article, my brain instantly thought of Maury Povich episodes where you would see oddly matched couples declaring their love for each other, and that is what I want you to have in mind when you read this article. I’m going to present to you four of the oddest wrestling couple storylines in wrestling history for you to remind yourself that love is in the eye of the beholder.
L is for the way you lie about me
I start with a storyline that is so mind-boggling, that it will make you want to subscribe to IMPACT Plus to seek this out. This all began in 2012, with the Phenomenal AJ Styles being accused of having an affair with ex-CEO, Dixie Carter by the tag team of Christopher Daniels and Frankie Kazarian. When Styles and Carter brought along recovering drug addict, Claire Lynch, to prove the tag team were lying, Daniels and Kazarian then start the rumour that Lynch was pregnant with AJ Styles’ baby! The scary thing is Claire confirmed the rumour and proceeded to make AJ’s life a living hell. There was a point where Lynch was holding a fake baby and threw it at Styles (I am not sure if this is a dream or not?). In the end, it all turned out to be an elaborate ruse by Daniels and Kazarian.
I wish this were all made up, but it isn’t. The title does say weird, and nothing says weird quite like a former drug addict faking being pregnant with one of the most famous wrestlers in the world. But we are only on couple 1…
O is for “Oh god, what did I just see?”
This is the one I have been very much looking forward to talking about. That’s right…we are going back to 1998 and the storyline involving Val Venis and Kaientai. Venis had just recently debuted in WWF with a pornstar gimmick, and women in arenas were besotted with him. This lust then bled through backstage when the wife of Kaientai’s manager, Mr Yamaguchi, had an affair with Venis! As punishment, Mrs Yamaguchi was going to be spanked with a wooden paddle, but Venis rescued her. This led to the infamous salami chopping promo where Yamaguchi declared “I choppy choppy your pee pee!”
One week later, Venis teamed with Taka Michinoku (who was also feuding with Kaientai at the time), but he turned on Venis after he declared Mrs. Yamaguchi was his sister! The newest addition to Kaientai then helped drag Venis backstage, tied him up a la Fifty Shades of Grey and proceeded to chop-chop his pee-pee! Only, they didn’t because the lights went out and Mr. Yamaguchi’s sword narrowly missed Val Venis’ pee-pee. Because Venis kinda relied on his pee-pee to make money, he ended the affair with Mrs Yamaguchi and then ended the feud.
No words can do this justice.
V is Very Very…Ridiculously Funny
This is one of my favourite storylines from watching wrestling as a kid. Lilian Garcia is a fantastic ring announcer, but her venture into a storyline with Viscera filled me with joy. Viscera had begun to court Lilian during his matches, and this led to them having an on screen romance in 2005 (ah the summer of love!). Like a Disney princess, Garcia fell head over heels and wanted to get married ASAP – Vengeance 2005 to be precise- but like real life, Viscera ditched Garcia for the Godfather’s Hos.
Oh, those damn hoes ruining true love… But wait! Eleven months later, Viscera saw the error of his ways and proposed to Lilian Garcia in 2006, but Umaga attacked him before she could answer. This is a love story better than Twilight purely because of the pyjamas Viscera would wear to the ring- those must have been very comfortable to wear while wrestling!
E is Even more insane than you could ever know
I could end with Mae Young and Mark Henry. I could end on literally anything related to Kane and his quest for true love. But no- I’m going to end with the story that got me hooked into wrestling. The story is so brilliant, Shakespeare himself couldn’t write anything better. That’s right- we are going to talk Katie Vick Perry Saturn and Mop.
Back in 2001, Perry Saturn had Terri Runnels as his valet and they seemed happy. However, he began to act weird during matches and backstage segments, which then ultimately led to him falling in love with a mop. Was it the raggedy strings blowing gently in the breeze that caught his attention? Who knows, but he fell head over heels for his inanimate girlfriend. This obviously infuriated Terri Runnels, who forced him to choose between her or the mop and like the true charmer he was, Saturn went into the sunset with Moppy! However, like Romeo and Juliet, this story would end in heartbreak as Runnels and Raven stole Moppy and fed her to her untimely death…in a woodchipper.
I hope this makes you feel gooey and loved up inside! If there are any that you think should deserve more acknowledgement, feel free to discuss with me on Twitter.
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You can find the author of this article on Twitter @ShirleighShirlz. Thanks for reading!