What would you do if you won the lottery?

    Pay off your mortgage? Buy everything you’ve ever wanted? Ensure your family and friends are financially secure for the rest of their lives?

    Well, if you’re Jonathan Vargas- you finance one of the most infamous, sexist and horrifically bad wrestling promotions centered around attractive woman and sketch comedy.

    Yes, what I have just described is the horrific professional wrestling promotion ‘Wrestlicious’- founded in 2009 and not even lasting 18 months. The show has often been criticised for it’s clear sexulisation of it’s wrestlers, horrific writing, very poor in ring product and just generally being rubbish.

    SO. In this second installment of ‘Terrible Wrestling Thursdays’, I subjected myself to this torture so you don’t have to…and let’s get ‘Wrestlicious’.

    The Rap

    This deserves its own segment and, if you’ve listened to it, you would know exactly why. The first episode of Wrestlicious opens with a music video that features two couplets being sung/rapped/spoken by each member of the roster.

    Every verse must end with ‘And that’s why *INSERT WRESTLER’S NAME HERE* is Wrestlicious’ so, as a result, some of the worst rhymes I have ever heard rear their ugly heads.

    And if you wanted to know my credentials on judging rap music- I’m an early 20’s Scottish guy so, you know you’re in the right hands here.

    With lines such as ‘I’ll drag you to the mat with my hugs and kisses’, ‘My fangs are sharp and my bite is vicious’ and ‘Wet or dry, my moves are so delicious’…I just have no words to explain what I witnessed. Seriously, go and watch the video. It’s crazy.

    The Roster

    Unlike Wrestling Society X, there are very few competitors here that would go on to find success within the wrestling industry. With exception of notable names such as Leva Bates, Madison Rayne and Mercedes Martinez; most of the wrestlers employed by the company were solely brought in for their looks – not so much for their wrestling ability.

    The matches themselves are…fine. In all honesty I could only suffer through one episode of this show so you’re going to have to settle with what I saw in that singular piece but trust me, it’s all you need.

    With most of the in-ring work being serviceable, with the occasional clear botch, it’s just quite boring, honestly. However, the worst aspect of this company is a more general point.

    The Presentation

    This is my main issue with ‘Wrestlicious’. The whole thing just feels seedy, slimy and sleazy. The women are competing in next to no actual gear, many just in their underwear, and sound effects of wolf-whistling and cat-calling are funneled into the broadcast whenever they make an appearance on the show.

    Jimmy Hart just hangs around multiple nameless women and doesn’t seem to be offering anything besides that. There are regular closeups on very…specific body parts of the wrestlers in question DURING the matches themselves, clearly showcasing the real intent of the show. The crowd themselves, despite clearly being in-house and watching what is happening, weirdly don’t feel real. This could in part be down to the fact a laughter track is put over any vague sense of ‘comedy’ so it feels like there are two separate audiences.

    While the grimy, suburban aesthetic worked for Wrestling Society X as covered last week, this feels like a high school gym that is just…not acceptable in any school around the world.

    Overall, don’t watch this promotion unless you want to feel seriously uncomfortable for the duration of your time watching women, clearly out of their depth but all have the basis of real talent, have to parade around for the viewing pleasure of, I assume, the young millionaire behind all this.

    Just go and watch the rap, it’s far better content.

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