I am tasked with assembling a team for the ultimate heist. The toughest job anyone could do. No, I’m not talking about putting over El Gigante. I’m talking about the Titan Towers Job.

    The target? The vault inside Titan Towers.

    Inside lies the long sought after record books of WWF/E, WCW, the NWA, WCCW, the AWA and TNA (even I don’t know how they got that last one…). I have a client that’s willing to pay a large sum to get these. How much money you ask? Well, believe you me with this much green the WWE could pay Lesnar enough to show up once every 30 days. Today my fellow wrestling fans I’m going to run down the top (Magnificent) 7 wrestlers I’d book to pull off a heist.

    *PWHipster Note: To answer the burning question, yes, Cryme Tyme did do most of my information gathering. #BrooklynBrooklyn

    7. The Master Mind: “Rowdy” Roddy Piper

    Heading up a team of outlaws is tough to do. It’s like herding cats. You need a guy that’s been around the block a few times, that can command attention & respect from even the hardest of heels. A man that is part philosopher, part charmer and one hundred percent badass. You need Hot Rod. He has undeniable charisma giving him the oh so important skill to talk almost anyone into anything. Not to mention when the going gets rough, Piper does too. Anyone that’s seen They Live (and that should be everyone) knows he can, without a shadow of a doubt, convince folks to see things his way. By speech or by fisticuffs.

    6. The Enthusiastic Newcomer: Bayley

    Every rag-tag gang of thieves needs the newbie. The person possessing youthful exuberance and a desire to learn. Eager to achieve the end goal there is nothing she won’t do to help. I can think of no one who could brighten the mood and add levity to a humdrum planning meeting more than Bayley. She’s just fun to be around and can cheer up anybody feeling the stress of the heist. She’s cut out for this. She didn’t choose the hug life, the hug life chose her.

    5. The Safecracker: William Regal

    Picking a lock is always a stressful task. When the time remaining to pull off the job is going faster than the tumblers are falling into place you need a person that won’t crack before the safe. There is no one with a greater attention to detail than King Regal. He’s a meticulous tactician capable of disabling the toughest opposition and breaking any lock placed before him. If you’ve ever seen The Villain administer a split-finger lock then you know just how nimble his fingers are. William Regal is always prepared… After all proper planning prevents a piss poor performance.

    4. The Hacker/Computer Wiz: Zack Ryder

    Some people just know their way around the internet better than others. No one is going to argue with me about Long Island Iced Zed’s helpful use of technology. When assembling a gang you need a person well versed in all the latest tech. Be it flip-cams, tablets, or a security system equal to the one used at The Svalbard Global Seed Vault, Zack is the Broski for the job. You have to face it Zack is more than capable of getting over… any firewall he finds. Woo Woo Woo.

    3. The Femme Fatale: Trish Stratus

    A trait shared by all high powered thieves is their intelligence. I ask you, is there anyone who better displays a blend of brains & beauty? Trish has an uncanny knack for making people *think* they’re in control when we all know who’s holding the keys. Another attribute she, and all great femme fatales have is toughness. Trish can go toe to toe with the best of them. She’s got a mean left hook and an even harder kick. And if the defecation strikes the rotary oscillator she can make a quick escape through any air duct due to her years of yoga training.

    2. The Numbers Guy: Scott Steiner

    If you took a bodybuilder, a statistician, three bottles of peroxide then blended them together, the concoction would be all 141⅔% of Scott Steiner. Knowing & weighing all the variables before doing a job is the most important job of them all. The Big Bad Booty Daddy’s mastery over logistics gives him powers of precognition. If you know all the possible outcomes and their likelihoods then you *know* the outcome. That increases the chance of success to well over 100%. Still have your doubts? Watch this…

    1. The Wheel Man: Rikishi

    Without a doubt Rikishi has incredible Tokyo Drift level driving skills. He can make a car go anywhere and do anything he wants it too. In his hands a car is a weapon. I would have found The Transporter film series to be much more believable if Big Kish had been the leading man. The only problem I could foresee is if he were to get caught. If he did get pinched I just have an inkling that he might reveal the identity of the client. But hey, worst case scenario, Rikishi makes a great fall guy! He’d do it for The Rock.

    That’s my gang folks, that’s… PWHipster’s 7. Okay, it doesn’t have the same ring as Ocean’s 11 but my stable of thieves is so good it doesn’t need 11 members. Do you think my group could pull off The Titan Towers Job? If not who would you hire to steal the legendary record books? Let me know! And as always if you have any ideas for future Magnificent Sevens let me know, I’d love to steal it. (Except I’d credit you with the idea)

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